the Dirty Little Secret that I Hid for Years
One-in-three women also share this secret! It's something that fills us with shame, pain, self-blame... and fear! We become experts at keeping this secret, leading those around us to think everything's okay and that we've got this. Unfortunately, we also think that closely guarding this secret will help protect ourselves, our loved ones, family, friends, and pets. Unfortunately, the one who benefits the most when we hide this dirty little secret... is the perpetrator.
My friend, Donna James, was another one of those women (including me & many I know).
Those around her thought everything was okay .. but it was soooo far from ok.
She bravely shares her story as a guest on my blog.
Get a behind-the-scenes look at her secret life as a woman living with domestic abuse.
Your relatives or friends may be hiding this secret. It could be your neighbor or co-worker, and you wouldn't know it.
They could be:
- Rich or poor
- Young or old
- A professional or unemployed
- Of any sex, race, or religion
So what is this dirty little secret? They're victims of domestic abuse.
Too often we assume that we would know right away if someone is being abused. That their physical wounds and scars would give it away.
Often, these “signs” won't be visible. It could be because the abuser is strategic about where they leave their “mark” so to speak. It's more likely that, for mere survival, the victim themselves will go to great lengths to conceal their injuries or make up excuses as to how they got them.
Did you know that most forms of domestic abuse DON’T leave any visible scars?
Most people are familiar with physical abuse. We hear about it in the news, read it in the papers, and online; stories that sadly, and much too often, result in the victims violently losing their lives.
However, most other forms of abuse do not initially result in physical injuries, but rather emotional, mental, sexual, cultural, and financial devastation.
So why do we need to be aware of these hidden forms of abuse? Because when we hear, read and see the stories about women who HAVE been severely injured or killed by their abuser, it's very likely, that before the physical abuse began, the victim had been “beaten” emotionally, mentally, sexually, culturally and/or financially until their abuser snapped.
Domestic abuse in ANY form is terrifying. Physical or not, the fear and damage are very real. In some ways, non-violent forms can be even more damaging, as they're more difficult to recognize - or even accept - as abuse. How do I know this? Because I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. For years, it was my dirty little secret as I lived in fear.
I was a strong, bubbly young woman who grew up in a wonderful family and met a man who also came from a great family. He had a good job and a beautiful home. Everyone loved him, he was so sweet and attentive. I couldn’t wait to start our lives together and start a family.
Shortly after we got married, my husband mentioned he would manage the finances. Considering he'd been handling all the expenses of his home before we got married, it only made sense that he continue. So every month he'd give me my share of bills to pay, which left me with very little. It barely covered my costs for gas to get to work and my necessary prescriptions.
He made quite a bit more than I did, so when I tried to discuss the possibility of getting a bit more money each pay for my other essentials, he explained that his share of the expenses ate up most of his paycheque as well.
A few months later, we were over the moon to discover I was pregnant. It was a dream come true. Our first child… and first grandchild for both our parents. My husband became extra protective of me throughout my pregnancy. It was so sweet!
Money was tight, but now even more so, since we had to save for our baby. My husband also warned me that since I would be off work for six months on maternity leave, we'd have to tighten our belts even further as we would have to supplement my smaller maternity support cheques.
When our baby boy arrived my husband became even more protective, assuring me it was his responsibility to take care of his new family. He also became increasingly irritable, jealous, and angry.
Initially, I thought we were just going through the normal ups and downs all couples face with the pressure of a new baby. However, those “ups” became few and far between, followed by long, severe bouts of “downs” that grew longer and darker throughout the years.
Unaware of the gradual process of emotional and mental manipulation that is typical with abusers, I went from being happy, outgoing, and confident to being quiet, withdrawn, and full of self-doubt… which soon evolved into fear!
My husband made it very clear that I was to blame for his behavior - that if I was a better wife, then he wouldn’t get so angry. And I began to believe it. By the time our second son arrived, my husband was controlling every aspect of my life including all our money, what I did, how I dressed, who I associated with, and where I went.
He completely isolated me from friends, co-workers, and eventually my family. I was living in constant fear, too scared to talk to anyone about it… not to mention the immense shame I felt.
I made every effort to play the happy wife in front of others so no one would ask questions. The times when someone would comment about how he mistreated me or spoke to me rudely or cruelly would just result in even further anger, isolation, and threats.
So I began taking even further efforts to appear as the happy wife.
Then my fear escalated even further. While watching the news, a story came on about a woman who'd been abducted and murdered by her estranged husband shortly after she had left him. My husband turned to me and said very coldly that he didn’t blame the man – and that if I ever tried to leave him he would track me down and kill me too.
He told me point blank that wasn't a threat... but a promise.
It was made very clear that my job was to take care of him. I was to keep the house clean, our sons quiet, and rush home from work every day to have a hot dinner ready on the table for him.
I thought that as long as I followed those rules, and kept the children distracted and distanced from their father’s outbursts and the ongoing fights, they were protected.
That all changed when our eldest son, who was only five years old at the time, accidentally spilled milk at the dinner table.
Our son’s immediate look of sheer panic and his repeated apologies to his dad between his deep sobs, made me realize how terrified he was of his dad's temper.
He grabbed our son from his seat and quickly ascended the stairs as I desperately followed, reaching out, and begging him to put our son down. Trying to convince him that it was MY fault. Doing whatever I could to divert his anger toward me.
I watched in horror as my husband stood at the doorway and ruthlessly threw our son across his very large bedroom. Thankfully he managed to land awkwardly on his bed – but the damage was done.
All this time I thought I'd been protecting my children – hiding the fights, their father’s anger, and aggressive behavior from them. However, after that incident, seeing the panicked look on my son’s face, I knew that he was already affected by it. They were helpless bystanders who had no control over the situation. But I did!
As terrified as I was of my husband, I was now more afraid of what would happen to my children and me, if we stayed.
Like most women, I tried to leave more than once. But then he'd cry, beg, and plead, promising to change. But not long after, the manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting started once again. He became even angrier and more controlling, even threatening to take the boys, so that I'd never see them again.
Since he also controlled ALL the money, my options were minimal. He had threatened to kill me if I ever touched our "joint" account. So, even though I worked full-time, he made sure that I never had any money in the bank.
I soon realized that my best - and safest option - was to stay, plan, and prepare, waiting for that window of opportunity when their father wasn’t watching. He monitored my every move. Recording my mileage, calling me multiple times a day, and reminding me that he had people watching me.
As soon as the opportunity arose, I took my young sons and ran.
It was a long and difficult road. He did everything he could to ruin me… draining me emotionally, physically, and financially. Harassing, manipulating, and stalking me.
But I knew that everything I did – or didn’t do, would affect my children. So I put the three of us into therapy. It was important that I got myself better so I could help my boys.
A lot of time was spent reading motivational and self-improvement books and going to seminars. I always tried to keep a positive attitude, a smile, and a sense of humor to help us get through things, knowing that my sons were impressionable and would follow my lead. So if I was angry and bitter…they too would become angry and bitter.
The best revenge was for us to be happy, have fun and enjoy our new life.
Along the way, I've learned a lot. Many of it by trial and error. But through all of that, I knew I had to be patient and kind to myself. To understand that, although I couldn’t control how my ex behaved, I COULD control how I behaved.
I focused on methods and actions that helped me rebuild, develop and return to my old self… but even better and stronger. Most importantly, I created a strong, safe, and secure foundation for my sons.
I'm proud of how far we have come over the years. My boys are amazing young men and I've since found a wonderful man who is not jealous, controlling, or abusive. He is kind, respectful, and fun. He appreciates and encourages my independence and truly loves and respects me… just as I am. Life is good!
So if you think you may be related to, or be friends with someone who's hiding their secret. Or if you think you live next door to, or even work with one, and suspect they're in an abusive relationship, don’t be afraid to just ask them if they’re okay.
Offer them a friendly smile, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. Ask them how they are. Provide encouragement. Offer assistance. As tempting as it is, telling them they need to leave can only make things worse.
They may not say anything but maybe they will feel just a bit safer knowing that someone cares and sees their pain. Knowing that they are not alone may give them the strength to take the next step when they're ready... and safe.
To share and break free from what they consider their dirty little secret.
Some More Awesome Resources for Ya!
If you, or someone you know needs to talk or has questions regarding ANY FORM of domestic abuse, I encourage you to reach out.
I can tell you from experience, that just opening up to someone about your situation can be an emotional boost. Although I don’t currently offer 1:1 calls, I’ve created some helpful reference tools for you that relate to this type of situation. Please check the downloadable checklists link.
NOTE: IF AT ANYTIME YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER, PLEASE CALL 911.
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
