To Forgive, or Not to Forgive..

July 7, 2021 was Global Forgiveness Day.

I had a huge aha moment recently when Terri Cole, a NY psychotherapist, & author of “Boundary Boss”, shared her response to a client’s question about forgiveness… (find the video here on IG).

Yes, Forgiveness… that enigmatic concept of letting something go that has hurt you. Some words, or action, or omission, by another person, intentional, or not.

Forgiveness… for most of us, is a really, really, tough pill to swallow.

What does it actually amount to? How is it best done? Is it even possible to let something hurtful go, as if it never happened; for life to revert back to pre-incident, and the relationship to bear no lasting wounds?

I’m not so sure about the whole deal..

There have been some major incidents in my life where forgiveness, or some reasonable facsimile, was an option. At those times, it seemed like the most practical way to get past the painful experiences and not become jaded, or hopelessly mired in a victim mindset of self-pity. Chin up, chest out, take the high road - yada yada yada..

From what I have learned, the level of success you have with forgiveness, depends on your relationship to the perpetrator involved, their tendency to be a repeat offender, and how convinced you are of the apologetic sincerity. If they attempt reconciliation, it doesn’t always equal authenticity, at least from my experience.

So, what do we do when we’re faced with a situation that has left the ball in our court, the scales of justice for us to balance, the option of forgiveness one of our choices - whether an apology has been offered or not?

I say, what feels like freedom?!

Can you honestly live with this person in your life? If you have no choice about their presence, do you need to limit the time & space you share? Do they treat you with respect or do you feel less valuable when they are involved? Would some boundaries help? Boundaries are at least as tough as forgiveness, in fact, I would venture to say, they are even harder and trickier, because they need constant reinforcement - BY US. Boundaries start within us, and that is often the first place they fail. I am a champion Boundary Buster..  I’ll usually volunteer to ignore them, choosing to not even communicate them in the first place, and then feeling flustered, frustrated and resentful.

Resentment - this brings us back to Terri Cole. In this video, she mentioned something she refers to as “resentment prison”.

The question that was asked of her was this - “I still struggle so much with forgiveness. It makes me feel guilty. It’s like I’m holding onto resentment because it makes me feel protected, although I know it’s not protecting me.”

AHA!!!! HUGE AHA moment for me. That word, ‘PROTECTION’, when paired together with ‘RESENTMENT’, became a crystal clear, glaring spotlight on me, behind the bars of my own resentment prison, especially in reference to forgiveness.

You should probably go watch the video now so you know what I’m talking about. It’s only 4 min. long. I’m curious what it brings up for you.

Here’s the reaction I commented on her video post:

“This is so powerful & totally liberating!!

Resentment prison often lingers, even after working toward, & speaking, forgiveness, & leaves me feeling somewhat inauthentic in my offer.

💡 moment was 'resentment makes me feel protected’ - protected from a repeat; guarded, cautious, wary... that's no way to live. But to release myself from resentment prison, THAT feels like genuine peace, without that sense of condoning what needs releasing. It also doesn't require acknowledging or interacting with the perp - it's an Inside Job! Evict the squatters. And reclaim my Power, my Peace & my Innocence, letting myself trust again.

Thank you for creating this space of healing & growth & freedom!”

If you recognize, and can relate to, some of what I’ve said, and you suspect you may be stuck in Resentment Prison, I urge you to find & practice the freedom Terri talks about. If you feel pressured to ‘forgive’ because it’s the ‘right thing to do’ or it’s the ‘righteous thing to do’, go see what she says. You don’t need to agree, I’m just asking you to be curious and consider her point on the subject.

Learning from our experiences protects us. Resentment traps us - in bitterness, fear & pain.

As we clutch desperately to past wounds & resentment, with their false sense of protection from any repeat offences, more unnecessary victims are created. Those closest to us, or trying to get close to us, are often the ones that will be hurt and confused as they attempt to gain our trust. We feel compelled to take our resentment shield into every encounter, every relationship, but that only serves to push everyone away.

The deeper the pain, the longer we’ve been carrying it, and the more entitled we feel to claim it, the harder we hang on to it, feeling we’ve earned the right to take on this identity as a member of whatever victim club (or clubs) is relevant. I’ve even gone so far as to hold resentment toward people for things they’ve done to others, things they regret, have reformed from, and are not likely to repeat with me, yet I forged a thick shield of resentment, thinking it would somehow protect me. It only causes hurt and confusion. Uncovering this tendency in myself has been life-changing, liberating!

Now that I’ve busted out (on day passes for now, working my way to a permanent release!), I’m noticing just what a big, beautiful world of opportunities exists out here! It’s a safe place, full of kind, caring fellow humans! Freedom tastes so sweet.

xo Deena