Signs it's Time for a HARD NO

I am not just over here manifesting unicorns and glittery rainbows.. every so often, I've got some shitty situations that really harsh my mellow. Just because I'm a mindset coach that encourages and guides my clients to choose a positive, optimistic response to whatever crosses their path, doesn't mean I'm immune to crappy deals and letting someone flip my switch .. like when I’m reeling from a bitch attack and need to figure out some serious boundaries..

I have a couple blog articles drafted that I keep going back to finish and then life steps in and gives me material that wants to be heard. I think this happens partly as cathartic therapy and healing for me, but also, I feel it's something that will help you if I share it. Maybe you are also dealing with a similar situation and would benefit from knowing you are not alone.

I'm here to tell you that we all have days like that when we aren't operating from anything even remotely resembling a Zen state, and these are definitely not our proudest moments .. but you know what? That's okay.

You are human. I am human. Even the bullies out there are actually some form of human and likely have at least some good in them. And ya, we get bent out of shape and pissed off, defensive; offended and seeking revenge, but once that passes we're left with a huge hangover. You know the feeling.. that icky, nauseating, anxious sensation that makes you feel edgy & dirty and keeps lingering even when you try to get on with your life. You scold yourself over and over for not handling things differently; better somehow, along a higher road. Replays keep running through your head as you rewrite the scene and the script, over and over. Every retake makes you feel worse about the whole situation and now you're even more convinced of how badly you dealt with it, how disappointed you are with yourself. Embarrassed, angry, ashamed, frustrated, (insert horrible feeling). You wonder if you'll ever get over it, ever get past it and wonder if you'll ever learn to recognize the signs so you can avoid this pain.

Here's my latest encounter and the reason for this rant... uumm ‘lesson’…

I knew she was a selfish narcissist, and I've seen many examples, but I've managed to rise above that most of the time and deal with it from a relatively safe distance... At least until recently, when she lost her shit and turned crazy psycho bitch - directly at me...

But let me first explain why this cut me to the core and tore me wide open.

I have over 50 years of intensive and extensive experience with narcissists. Yes, that's my whole life. For 40 plus years I wasn't even aware of the existence of a narc factor and how it contributed to the crazy-making and abuse I was marinating in. I wasted so much energy and time trying to rationalize irrational behavior, opinions, actions, conversations, and attacks.

Then certain trained and educated people started crossing my path who recognized my symptoms of narc abuse. That's another story for another time - but things started to change. Once I was brave enough to trust someone enough to share what was going on in my life, I gradually learned that being treated this way wasn't okay, wasn't healthy, wasn’t safe, for myself or my kids. Despite feeling trapped, this came as a huge relief; realizing there wasn't something wrong with me, there was nothing to be ashamed of, even though I was never good enough for the narcs in my life. There was hope and freedom waiting for me somewhere... But in the meantime, I was still trapped..

Fast forward a few years later - I've escaped the toxic relationships, worked very hard and dug extra deep to purge and heal. I've learned to set some standards and boundaries and let down my guard. I've struggled to trust those closest to me, even when I'm continually shown I am safe with them and they have my back. The conditioning though - that crap is hardwired - the automatic, alert, anxious, early-warning-system that kicks into overdrive when anything remotely resembling a scenario that formerly led to abuse starts unfolding. Anyone who has ever suffered abuse can relate to this PTSD.

Emotional and psychological abuse is every bit as destructive as physical.

You reflexively start scanning for landmines, anything that could irritate and escalate the other person to launch an attack. Your radar is ALWAYS on. The likelihood of attack is a matter of when not if.

It's taken time, and much patience and compassion from my partner, for me to dial down that radar and let go of most of the conditioning. I am more open, trusting and vulnerable now, maybe like I was as a kid before I met my first bully in kindergarten, but with much more wisdom now. I'm happier and more relaxed, able to use my energy for creativity and adventure instead of caution and protection. But there's a sneaky side effect to letting down your guard and that's where the nasty narc bitch attack comes in.

It threw me into a tailspin, I lost control of my equilibrium and plunged hard and fast into a black hole of crazy-making insanity. I lashed back, trying to protect myself, while attempting to rationalize the twisted onslaught of threats and insults and accusations. It was a strange experience of feeling safe enough this time to stand up for myself, yet left my heart and soul broken and bruised; sickened to have been drawn into her warped mentality. For days afterwards, I kept berating myself for not handling the whole thing better. ForFuckSake, I am a master at this after all, with several decades of experience. But that was also my curse. 

I was thrown back into the receiving end of a narc attack; blindsided and sucker punched. I'd let my guard down and now I regretted doing that.

I bawled my eyes out and replayed the script again & again, talked it through with people I could trust and decided that I didn't want to go back to a life behind my steel wall of fear.

Instead, I committed to practice using a HARD NO.

This incident has taught me the signs to watch for in myself when I sense those old conditioned patterns of fear and the urge to fight or flee. I am safe. I know that. I was protected the whole time and choosing to fight (no matter how good some of it felt in the moment... ) doesn't sit well with me. Those signs of confusion, panic and anxiety, of feeling like prey, helpless and vulnerable, are awful. I don't want to be baited into a confrontation and regret the next time around. So, I'm taking a HARD NO approach.

NO YOU WON’T:

· Be allowed to poison my day with your toxin

· Bait me into a crazy-making confrontation

· Drag me into your drama

· Demean, Devalue, or Deprive me

· Deserve my attention, time or energy

· Dictate my existence or connections

· Determine or Define what my roles are

· Restrict my involvement or activity

· Insult or Impact my relationships

· Be welcome in my space

· Be respected by me

· Be considered anything but a bully (who may possibly have some good in you.. somewhere..)

Setting these boundaries already feels like freedom. Practicing them may be a challenge, but I refuse to let a bully rule and ruin my happy life. I hope my sharing this painful encounter helps you recognize the signs when it's time for a HARD NO in your life.

☀️ Don’t let anyone steal your sunshine! ☀️

Peace out Sista! xo Deena