It’s All in the Name

Do you love your name?

I mean, yes, it’s a beautiful thing to hear someone speak our own name, but do you love your name?

Have you always loved it?

Have you ever loved it?

We’ve been told by very knowledgeable and influential people, like *Dale Carnegie, and other experts in the art of communication, that using someone’s name when speaking to them not only helps us remember their name, but it is also a very powerful way to connect with someone; to show them respect and value. (* in case his name sounds familiar, Dale’s the guy who wrote the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in 1936 - and it’s still popular today, (an Amazon bestseller) along with other books & several courses he’s developed).

You have likely also experienced moments when hearing your name caused fear or anxiety - like when a parent called it in an angry tone, at full volume and included your middle name(s); or in Grade 8, when you had no clue what the new math equation was and the teacher singled you out for the answer.. eek! Not the time you want to hear your name.

How many different nicknames do you have? Maybe there are one or two that have stuck since you were a toddler; ones your family still use.

While being called “Monkey Chops” or “Sir Toots McGoots” was adorable when you were 3, you wish they’d just stop already!

Or it might be more adoring than cutesy, so you find your childhood nickname affectionate and quite like it. Your classmates and teammates or co-workers might have labelled you with other monikers. You may have encountered bullies that invented something cruel and the more you protested, the funnier they thought it was. Regardless, we usually have little control over these inventions.

Nicknames are fascinating to me. They don’t always make a name more efficient, often being even longer or more complex than the person’s actual name, yet there’s commonly a very entertaining story behind them (except for the mean ones - some of those are just plain hurtful). Don’t other people’s nicknames make you curious to know their origin? These details, like any good story, seem to evolve and morph with time and are great in conversations! Only a couple people know this, but the only nickname I’ve ever had, except for “Dee” occasionally, was “Gumby”, and only my Dad used it on the rare occasion, for no apparent reason. Google it sometime haha, it’s a rubber green man with a rubber orange horse named “Pokey”. I should ask him how that came about, because there must be a story there..

We attach a lot of identity to names, as we should. It’s how we address each other, how we are known on our ID, our accounts & records, even our tombstone some day. It’s one of the first things we are taught to say, write and recognize.

A great deal of thought is put into choosing just the right combination of names for newborns. There have been family feuds over offended ancestors when one side is favored over another with the inherited names a wee baby has been christened with.

I am always curious how our name affects who we become. I’m convinced it can. Is it a name we feel the need to live up to? Is it a name we are embarrassed to have and don’t like to be identified with? Is it a name that originates from a particular culture or may be associated with a lifestyle by stereotype? Is it unique, hard to pronounce, tricky to spell? I think a name can definitely affect how we are perceived or pre-conceived. Have you experienced stereotypes associated with names - either in your interpretation of someone else’s name or it has happened to you with your name? I don’t think we are always aware of these pre-conceived labels that are tagged to names. Have you ever met someone and been surprised because you expected something different by the impression you got from their name? You may not have realized that it was one of these labels acting on your subconscious to create that expectation. Try it next time you hear a name. What is your reaction to it?

Names carry memories and impressions that forever alter our perception of them. This usually happens because we knew or heard of someone with that particular name. We may have respected or despised them; they may have left little effect.

Maybe just the way a name rolls off our tongue, is assaulting or melodious to our ears, or it can leave us lost in another time, taken back to reminisce. Many words used for names have a definition or correlation of their own, besides being used as a proper name, and this can influence how we pre-conceive character or lifestyle. For example, I’m curious how many “Hunter”s ever hunt, how many “Penny”s have copper colored hair; you get the idea.

There are names that seem odd, yet unique; popular, yet common. Some do not seem to fit the person at all! And others couldn’t be more perfect. We name all kinds of things - from our pets and businesses, to cars and body parts! Then we try and get creative with the spelling and often end up cursing that choice for the many headaches and mistaken addresses that happen when ppl can’t get it right. Families can have hyphenated names, which multiply the various combinations of error they must inevitably experience. In days gone by (and, as far as I am aware, is not a current practice anywhere) women were identified by their association to a man, such as, Mrs. Fred Flintstone.. with no mention of their first name (btw, it was Wilma! lol). Let’s not even get into the whole subject of archaic women’s rights (or lack thereof) whether they were single or not.

I have had a love / hate (mostly strong dislike) relationship with my own first name for most of my life.

I was the firstborn. My 3 younger brothers had regular names. You know, the kind you can always find on the souvenir stands at any tourist trap. But never mine. In fact, at least 93% of the time, my name is misspelled and/or mispronounced. I’ve learned to just graciously smile and answer to anything that even slightly resembles my name and skip attempting to correct anyone. At some point, only a few years ago, I finally accepted it with gratitude; embracing its uniqueness and simplicity. I’d always cringed at the lack of anonymity it allowed, yet, this is also a gift. Filling out any draw ballot at the local farmer’s market or trade show and never needing to write my full name, because I was the only Deena in a 300 mi. radius! was a bit of a bonus haha. 

There was a massive transition in my life a few years ago. I felt a strong urge to change my name, to one of my choosing. After 30 years, I was no longer married and did not want to carry that name any longer. For all of about 2 hours I contemplated returning to my maiden name, but it didn’t feel like a fit; I had outgrown it. It felt tight and restrictive, carrying so many outdated and abandoned versions of me. I was no longer that person. I, like most people choosing names for anything, experience something of an instant recognition when we find the right one. And when my daughter suggested an ancestral family surname, I knew right away it was the top name nominee for the next stage of my life. And so, I initiated my official name change with excitement and relief.

There is quite a lot to this legal process; paperwork and such, not to mention so many places to update your identity, armed with a stack of official government documents. But I noticed something else changing as well, something I had not anticipated. Yes, I expected to feel a bit awkward, adjusting to a new identity, remembering to say and write and answer to my new name.

What I had not realized was how this change in my identification would run so deep within my very being, my self-identity, self-worth, sense of freedom.

A freedom to reinvent myself, to give myself permission to create a refreshed, authentic new me! To shed the weight of what the old names tied me to. To face the world as a different Deena, one who is healing and growing, with more courage, strength and self-acceptance than ever before in my life. What a truly incredible gift I inadvertently gave myself! Now, I have people in my life who have never known me by any other name. It’s quite fascinating to comprehend! It somehow solidifies and reinforces how very real this person is, with this new name THAT I CHOSE! And since I’ve come to embrace the uniqueness of my first name, the whole experience of hearing or seeing my name now brings a sense of satisfaction and possibility for who she will become.

Have you ever experienced this phenomenon? Is a name change something you’ve been contemplating? If so, what name would you choose from any of the multitude of options? Play with it awhile in your mind. Doodle some new signatures to experiment with. Have some fun calling yourself another name for a few hours, or a few days - just in your imagination.. or! you could really get into it and have others use it too! Let them know you’re having some fun considering another name, or claim you’re auditioning for an acting role and need to get in character. That is rather accurate, as a name change has many aspects of taking on a new character. How does that make you feel? It’s quite intriguing to attempt! You may discover that you actually feel more comfortable with your current name, returning to it like slipping into your favorite coziest sweater, surrounded by familiarity and contentment. Or you may sense a freedom, an invitation for adventures and exploration with a new identity. Whatever you discover will be a gift to your future self.

Who will you be the next time we meet?

xo Deena

P.S. Changing your name can be one significant step in letting go & moving on from a part of your life that no longer serves you or the future you want to create. I talk more about these concepts in the posts “Fall Leaves & Lessons in Letting Go”, “Make It Happen! Manifest What You Desire (part 1)”, and “Make It Happen! Manifest What You Desire (part 2)”