Teen Talk

What is your first reaction to the word ‘teenager’? Honestly? How does that word make you feel?

Is your first thought of your own teenage years? Of the adventures & misadventures, the triumphs & the mistakes?

Are there memories of those years that bring a mischievous grin and others that make you cringe & look over your shoulder?

Or did you first think of some teenagers you know, have known, or are currently raising?

Were those thoughts automatically accompanied by a groan & an eye roll for the attitudes and behaviors attributed to most teens?

Stereotypes can be dangerous. In most cases, I’ve found these general assumptions to be unfair and naïve, with little allowance for open-mindedness.

Or maybe, we are just too lazy or rushed to take the time to see beyond our expectations. Could our first impressions be tainted before each individual has a chance to prove themselves?

Please bear with me as I speak in generalizations myself while exploring this topic! Teenagers, I have found, are frequently considered to be undeveloped adults in every aspect, not just physically. While technically, this is partially true, I don’t think we give them enough credit for the depth of their character and the level of maturity they are very capable of. No matter how much they are loved by their family, more often than not, I have heard negative comments regarding them. These youngsters are represented as difficult, challenging and exhausting to deal with, by the adults who are guiding them through the dreaded ‘teen years’. They are often discounted or overlooked for their value in conversations, in their contributions to their family, social network & society. Even their efforts in school and competitions is heavily criticized.

Why are we so hard on teenagers? I don’t see us giving most of them the respect they deserve, yet we expect them to act with the responsibility of adults. They don’t have the life experience we do, and our hindsight tends to turn a blind eye to the lessons we had to learn the hard way. Can we please cut them a break? Can we please pause and recall what it was like to be a teenager? The awkwardness, physically, mentally and socially, that left you feeling like a misfit. Not a child, yet not an adult, and not really accepted in either group. Can you remember how incredible it felt when an adult spoke to you & treated you as a peer? Didn’t it make you want to prove to them that that respect was well-placed? Didn’t you make an effort to be who they seemed to think you were? You did not want to disappoint them.

There is a lot of talk about free speech. We are encouraged to advocate for minorities and those who are often maligned.

The first ones that come to mind are usually not teenagers. But for me, they have always been a group I felt was overlooked. I wanted to support them, to encourage them and listen to their thoughts, their dreams & fears, to validate them with respect and advocate for them when their age made life difficult.

Here’s an example that I’ll never forget. It comes from a situation that occurred when I was leading a youth group in our small community. We were hosting a large group of people for a spaghetti supper and putting together a talent show for entertainment. The venue we’d rented for this event was a building that had been converted into a senior’s center and was managed by a group of the community’s long-time residents, now senior citizens. These people had known me all 30ish years of my life and I still felt like a kid around them. I was married, with 2 children, yet felt like I would never be fully accepted as an adult. You maybe know the feeling and can relate. How often are you still called by your maiden name or your childhood nickname when you’re in your hometown? Well, this was the day I’d definitely grow up in my own mind and claim my place in the community as a full-fledged adult to be taken seriously! Or so that’s how I recall feeling!

As we were setting up, one senior couple approached me to make it abundantly clear that they were not exactly supportive of our church youth group using their facility. They proceeded to state their misgivings about the outcome of our presence, the vandalism they anticipated and how they’d see to it this was the last time we used their building. Now, I should add here, that we’d hosted the same type of event the year before, which was well supported, well received and without incident. There had apparently been some rumblings from the same parties with their reluctance to allow us in, but it hadn’t been directly addressed to me, so I’d left it alone. This time, however, there was no avoiding conflict. These two had cornered me, in front of the youth group and other adults involved, including a pastor. I’m pretty sure I surprised everyone there, and mostly myself!, with my response to their attack.

I am not sure where the words came from, but there is no doubt they were fueled by anger and indignation. I was appalled that these two adults, who were parents & grandparents, who knew all of us, and, in most cases, more than one generation of our families, could be so disrespectful of us, our intentions, and our responsibility to care for the venue. They were being condescending and demeaning towards these young adults, right in front of them, expressing their prediction that the teenagers would wreak havoc and destruction under our supervision. Well, this wasn’t going to fly, not on my watch! I might not always stick up for myself, but be damned if anyone was going to treat these kids with such disdain. They needed to witness and know that they had someone who’d stand up for them, that they deserved that, that they had earned that respect and could count on us to defend them against the stereotypes they were being painted with.

I can still feel how my back straightened and I stood taller, stepping closer to these two antagonists, almost toe to toe. I got very quiet and very serious and made sure they heard me as I challenged their lack of respect for every one of us, but most especially for the teenagers who were being falsely accused of anticipated future crimes. They shut up and backed down. I’m not sure who was more surprised, but to this day, I am so happy I took a stand. I may be the only one who remembers this incident, but I sincerely hope it left a positive impression on those teens. I know it was a huge learning experience for me and I gained some strength that day after having felt belittled and treated as irresponsible, the way these young members of our community were often treated. In the big picture, it was such a brief, small incident, but the impact was significant for me.

I took it a step further, with a letter, to the board that managed the venue. I received all kinds of thanks and appreciation from the other board members, along with an apology for the way we were treated. The letter cleared up the details of the story that was being presented by our two critics to their board and we were welcomed and encouraged to return anytime we needed a venue again. I shared this apology and welcome with the youth group, and there was a collective sigh of relief and a room full of grins as we scored a win for teenagers over the stereotype they’d slayed. I was so proud of each & every one of them! They had not disappointed us. I knew I could defend them and they’d not let me down. Over the years, whether parenting, coaching or volunteering in the school and community, the results have always been the same.

When you treat others with respect and expect the best of them, you are seldom disappointed.

Kids and teenagers need this from us. I bet we can all find more opportunities to let them shine and let them know how proud we are of them.

Talk to a teen today. Real talk!

xo Deena