Goodbyes
Have you said "Good-bye" to someone special recently? Maybe temporarily or, like me, permanently?
As some of you know, my Mom passed last month.
She was diagnosed with terminal cancer a week before Christmas and only days before her 75th birthday.
I am grateful for the heads-up in this loss, but it still came too soon. And I still didn’t get to say ‘Good-bye‘ the way I would’ve liked to. She didn’t get to either.
Our family has lost several members where we didn't have the grace period of a forewarning. No chance to spend time together, knowing it could be our last; savoring those moments, those memories. No opportunity to say ‘Good-bye’. We felt cheated.
I have to admit that I have felt some resentment towards others when they are granted time to come to terms with an impending loss, or at least time to process it, together, with the one that is leaving this life. I have had to dig deeper at times to feel sympathy and offer it to others with sincerity. I would think to myself, “At least you got to say good-bye. At least you got time to focus and memorize their face, the sound of their voice, knowing it could very likely be the last opportunity. At least you got to say or ask what was on your heart that you needed to speak of.” For some reason, I found myself comparing our losses and mourning how sudden ours had been all over again; how unfair and unnecessary. It seems so selfish and insensitive, but I admit I carried this attitude of comparison and the resentment that it grew toward others.
And then, when Mom was given the news of her prognosis, we all faced another loss, this time with some warning. She was the one losing the most of any of us. She knew her time was very short. She was given an optimistic timeline of 6-12 months, but realistically, I suspected far less. Even with that prediction, I hesitated to make a trip immediately to see her. I can blame it partly on all the covid restrictions that are in place, consideration for my parent’s health and interprovincial travel being frowned upon. But I also wanted to respect the process she was working through. Her own mourning process. We never know how we, or anyone else, will react to the news of imminent death - one with a timeline that is in the very near future - until we’re actually faced with it. Mom wanted to make the most of our visit, so putting some things in order first was important to her. We respected that, and we all thought there was time to allow for more than one visit. We were wrong. We felt cheated. Death doesn’t play by any rules.
Mom had already buried two sons. I never had the chance to ask her which was worse, facing her own death or having survived her sons’ deaths. But after watching my Great Grandmother’s heart break with the loss of her 80 year old son, saying that even then, at her age, and with a bit of time to say good-bye, it is an awful thing to outlive a child, I think I know my Mom’s answer. It would be mine, and every parent’s, as well. And she didn’t get to say “Good-bye” to her sons…
Once again, I am reminded of these truths in a harsh and unavoidable way:
TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED, IT IS A GIFT.
THE PRESENT IS ALL WE HAVE. MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
MAKE SURE THE ONES YOU LOVE KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU; HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE THEM.
I have been reflecting and saying my good-bye in ways that bring peace and comfort, resisting resentment and disappointment.
Processing another loss. But in that loss, recognizing and embracing the gift it also brings - this stark reminder to Live Life to the Fullest - one of my favorite mantras. To feel gratitude for all the years and memories that we had.
Death is so final. Life is so full.
I will walk through this sadness and be stronger for it.
What are some ways you’ve coped with loss? How did you forgive yourself and get past any regrets? As I recall lessons learned from my Mom and from her life, I am uncovering more wisdom and insight that will help me grow & heal. I'm sure some of that will find it's way to you in my writing and we can contemplate it together.
Take care of yourself.
Take time for yourself.
It is not selfish.
I wish my Mom had done more of that.
I don't want my family to wish the same of me some day.
And so, if for no other reason than that, I am going to make a better effort at giving myself permission to make self-care a priority; to celebrate my accomplishments - heck, even acknowledge them in the first place!
Take my own damn advice that I've been blogging on about!
And I hope you will do the same.
I love and appreciate you, my tribe!
xo Deena
P.S. I offer my sincere gratitude & appreciation for the love, compassion, and kindness shown to me with your expressions of sympathy. The memories that have been shared bring comfort and smiles as I hear how she touched other's lives.
