I have spent most of my life around hoarders. I bet you know at least one, or have seen them on TV or maybe recognize hoarding tendencies in yourself.

I lean more toward minimalism, due largely in part to my time with hoarders and my discomfort with clutter.

If you’ve read my “Get Messy” blog post, you’ll know I’m not exactly a conformist or anal about order, yet clutter does bother me. A LOT! But could there be other categories of ‘hoarder’??

Did you know that our minds naturally want to sort, categorize and organize whatever we experience with our senses? That’s why it’s so overwhelming when we encounter clutter. Even if you aren’t aware of your brain scrambling to make sense of the input it’s getting, you may feel exhausted, stressed or anxious and you’re not sure why.

I’ll admit, I have always taken pride in being organized. I don’t keep items if they’re no longer needed. I believe in letting them go. They’ve served me well. Now it’s time to give them a new life with someone else who considers them a treasured find or a useful addition. The fact that I’ve moved several times helped me purge and release, but if you’ve ever moved, you’ll know that new spaces, especially larger ones, require you to fill those spaces, reorganize and buy more stuff, either for organization purposes or décor. And the cycle starts again.

I learned something recently about hoarding that shook me to the core. And my pride took a very serious hit.

During a conversation about how ‘busy’ my life is, how I’m so excited about all there is to experience and so perpetually in motion, pursuing all my interests, the suggestion was made that I was possibly a hoarder… MASSIVE GASP! Extreme Shock! Holy fack… ummm, could I be just the thing I’ve been so proud NOT to be? Could this virus have infected me in a subversive, unexpected way? Has it been running my life and devouring my energy in ways I hadn’t even been aware of? I was appalled.

And here is what I learned.

I HOARD ACTIVITY. I HOARD BUSYNESS. I HOARD SERVING OTHERS.

Yup, guilty as charged. I cringe to admit this. Totally Appalled. But there it is. Undeniable. My name is Deena. And I am a hoarder.

Whenever anyone asks what I’ve been up to, I stall out… not even sure how to answer without flooding them with a barrage of the numerous random items that are on my calendar, plus all the items between the lines that I do without scheduling.

I. ALWAYS. KEEP. SOOO. BUSY.

• Projects, energy, go-go-go, several irons in the fire, making miles, work, hobbies, starting businesses, educating, filling my hours.

• Being available for others, helping, doing.

• Being productive.

• Committed to my life-long mantra of “Live each day to the fullest.”

• Not allowing myself down time to read, relax, just hang out - shoving those to the bottom of my to-do list, if they even make the list. (Confession time - how many others of you put leisure time on your to-do list just so you feel like you’re accomplishing something?!)

• Also, resisting assistance from others (much more on that in future posts..)

Admittedly, I do accomplish mostly everything I undertake, and I realize others can find this intimidating, but that’s not my purpose or intent. In fact, I feel badly that others might compare themselves to me and find themselves lacking, only because I have hoarded all this activity to fill my time, while they are usually the ones to be admired and emulated for their balance, their comfort in the spaces that allow quiet, serenity and relaxation. Yet their common response is “Wow, you’re always so busy!”, (insert wide-eyed expression & impressed tone of voice..) which always takes me by surprise. I’m just being me.

But is it the best me I can be?

I love the saying “We are Human BEINGS, NOT Human DOINGS”. Great concept. Can I live by it?

I tell myself that I have so much that interests me. Life has an expiration date. I’ve had so many reminders of that, and I don’t know when mine is. There have been some close calls, but apparently, it wasn’t my time yet. I have to make the most of my allotted time here on earth. There are so many options for exploring and adventure. So many ways I want to serve and give to others. So many ways I want to share. I don’t want to put my life on hold, yet I do just that when I don’t put myself first.

All this I have been telling myself, only to learn that it may have been the hoarding virus speaking.

I now ask myself these questions:

• What am I doing that’s more about hoarding busyness?

• How can I let some of that go & still feel productive?

• What am I running from?

• What might the silence hold that frightens me?

• Why am I afraid to slow down?

• What do I think I might miss if I take time to just breathe?

• Can I handle the guilt of not doing everything?

• Can I allow others to help me without feeling like I’m less competent?

How do those questions make you feel? Can you relate? Do you feel panic that there are only so many hours in a day? And everyone seems to want a part of you? You choke on the word ‘No’ when you’re conflicted. You suffer extreme guilt even considering putting yourself first? In fact, setting your priorities above others is difficult to even think, say, or write, let alone do.

“ME FIRST” MAKES ME CRINGE

The toughest part is that it really is up to me. Up to you. Up to us. It is OUR responsibility to make that commitment to ourselves. To support each other in that decision. To allow for the “No” and not add to the guilt when we hear it from our sisters, but accept it and celebrate it, admiring their example and then feeling encouraged and strengthened to listen to our own instincts.

When considering whether to answer “Yes” or “No”, choose the one that feels like Freedom.

It’s always the right answer for you. And it’s ok to think of you. It truly is. We need to own it first, give ourselves permission. And we will be surprised at the support we’ll get from those we thought couldn’t manage without us! Everyone will benefit from a much happier, relaxed and less stressed you. Serving others may be your love language, but we over-givers have to be cautious not to deplete our reserves and become resentful.

I speak as though I have this all figured out and am practicing these principles faithfully, but honestly, it’s a daily struggle and I’m still challenged all the time to reprogram. Being real & raw with you is part of this exercise for me. We are working together to grow and learn and practice in a safe, trusting community of nurturing women. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. It means more than you realize to know you’re here with me, that we have each other’s backs. I don’t have any biological sisters, but I am blessed with many true sisters. Thank you for being one of them!

I’ll leave you with a quote that might be my next tattoo lol, as it’s a great reminder to slow the hell down.

Don’t just do something, sit there!!!

xo Deena