How do you feel when someone asks you to make a choice? It doesn’t even have to be anything life-altering. It might be a question of where you’d like to eat out, or if you’d like to eat out in the first place.

Do you hesitate, then stall out with panic, feeling pressure to make a choice that will not disappoint anyone?

How much fear comes up when the decision is laid at your feet? Do you immediately start weighing pros and cons, running your first answers through several filters before offering a tentative suggestion?

Has everyone who defaults to asking you, done so because you’ve proven to give the response that they know you know they want to hear? (you might need to re-read that – it’s a little heavy..).

Is this expectation actually the case, or is it just an assumption you’ve made? – the assumption that they expect you to guess or know what they actually want, then suggest it as though it’s what you want too? The trick, in this scenario, is for you is to pick the right option, the one they want most, and answer as though it’s truly your choice..

How often have we set ourselves up in this trap? Do we only do it with certain people? Do we do it to ourselves too? Is it necessary? How often do we answer “yes”, when we’d like to say “no”?

If we polled several of your friends, family members and co-workers about your likes and preferences, would we see an accurate representation of you? Would you recognize yourself in their descriptions?

How long has it been since you thought about what your true needs and wishes are? What would YOUR list look like? Would you recognize yourself? Or have you lost touch with what your own desires are? Are you afraid to explore them? Or even go so far as to express them? OUTLOUD?!

Is this all too terrifying to even contemplate?

Some of us have been more concerned about pleasing others, about being accepted and needed for what we can do, or what we feel needs to be done, to keep others happy. But at what expense? Does denying our own wants and wishes, in order to satisfy others, come at a cost?

The cost, I believe, is that we lose ourselves and we lose the ability to bless others with our authenticity.

And here’s the clincher…does anyone actually expect our concession to their whims, or have we convinced ourselves that acting this way is inherent to our worth in their eyes? Hmm… let’s dig into this a little more.

What do you honestly think would happen if you dared to speak your truth? Have you tried it? Stretched just a little way out of your comfort zone; shared, or did, something that might not be what you usually do? When is the last time you were honest with yourself and said “no”? Are you following my line of thought here?

Maybe some examples can help clarify my sometimes cryptic communication.. which, is kind of an example of it’s own.. my being obscure, speaking in generalities and hoping you can fill in the blanks, instead of me being too direct and potentially offending someone with my opinion..

Ok, let’s say your family would like to plan a vacation, just a regular summer get-away, nothing major. There have been several ideas tossed around, and now all eyes are turned toward you, as everyone awaits your input. Your mind scrambles, with a little panic, through the suggestions laid before you. Traditionally, and reflexively, you’ve carefully weighed and filtered each potential response to consider: what would make the majority happiest, leave no one offended or disappointed, or thinking you have shown favorites, or didn’t care about their wishes.. (yes, that’s a lot of filters, but I bet you can relate, and likely add more to the list) … plus! you did all this quickly, because you sensed their excitement and impatience…

Well, it is a next-to-impossible feat. We’ve all heard the familiar saying and experienced the fallout of “You can’t please everyone”, yet, we try to.

Except, what about you? Weren’t you consulted so you could add your preference to the list? Isn’t that a new & novel concept to wrap your racing mind around? Could they actually be asking because they’d like you to have an enjoyable vacation? Here’s your chance to speak up and let them know what you’ve been dreaming about, but have likely been too hesitant to mention, for fear of sounding greedy or selfish. Or maybe you’re deeply ingrained in the pretense of assuming they expect your politically correct response, the one that will please the majority, and that you’ve always reassured them was also your first choice. Ok, there I go again being obscure. Let’s add more detail to this particular example.

Your husband wants to fish & camp.

Your daughter wants to stay home and hang out with friends.

Your son wants to go on a road trip to catch as many concerts and football games as possible.

Your other daughter wants to fly to the coast and do a week-long hike.

These are the options you’ve been presented with. Everyone has agreed, some grudgingly, they’d like to spend this vacation together as a family. You don’t want anyone to feel that your response favors anyone or devalues others. You are scrambling to figure out ways to mesh and incorporate everyone’s wishes into the same vacation plan. You’ve been doing this for years, whether it’s activity plans, meal plans, spending plans or TV channel choices.

As a mother, in this example, or as a friend, co-worker, leader, volunteer, partner.. whatever role, there is an element of this conundrum. You tend to assume that your role is to please others first, or exclusively. You’ve assumed you’re expected to fill this role, to defer to please others. But really.. are you expected to do this? Or could that be a safe reflex? To please others vs disappointing them? To please others vs yourself being disappointed if your expressed truth is shot down or not accepted with open arms, or at least open minds?

In this example, let’s say you’d actually like to spend your summer vacation exploring your own city or province together, taking in the history and events, the sites in your own local areas. Or maybe you were one of the reluctant members agreeing to a family vacay. Maybe after a year of home-schooling and juggling working from home, you need some space alone. You would rather spend time at a spa, having some quiet reading or writing time, nature walks, that sort of thing vs planning, packing and loading all the crap needed for road trips, hiking, camping or fishing.

Are you stalled out in indecision, unsure of the best answer?

Are you brave enough to search for the truth? YOUR truth? To admit to yourself what YOU really want?

Are you brave enough to put it out there?

What’s the worst that can happen?

There’s a total mutiny and you end up having separate vacations?

Can you live with that?

Baby steps can help with this new approach to making decisions; to allowing your true desires to surface, be acknowledged and even expressed!

Here’s something you might want to try the next time you find yourself faced with a decision – the most basic ones that come up daily, like what to have for breakfast. You’d love to have that last piece of quiche, but reflexively pass it by to leave for someone else. Why not treat yourself? You deserve it just as much as the next person. Do you think they’d feel guilty for eating it? Likely not. So why would you lay that guilt on yourself. Indulge yourself. Guilt-free. There are numerous examples that will present themselves as you go through your day. Little decisions that you’ve been making with little regard for yourself. Pause and ask yourself… “Self, what do I really want? Really need? Really like?” I bet in most cases, that option is just as easy, just as reasonable, and acceptable as other choices.

PHEW!!! Scary!!!

Keep practicing until that initial rush of guilt and panic fade and you can revel in the relief of choosing for you, in the simple pleasures of embracing and accepting what brings you joy or fulfillment. It can actually start with that last slice of quiche! For some of us, that’s a huge step! Examine how you feel after these steps. Eventually it’ll get easier and you’ll feel more confident.

You know what else you’ll feel?

Content, worthy, less resentful, pampered, special, relaxed, HAPPY! And that’s just from how you’re treating yourself!

Once you are practicing making decisions by acknowledging and expressing your wants and wishes to yourself; you’ll become more confident sharing them with others. You’ll find yourself less often stuck in indecision, trying to please others, even when faced with the big decisions. You’ll get to know yourself better. Present a more authentic you.

I often think of this quote from Martha Beck when making decisions:

“Here is the crux of the matter, the distilled essence, the only thing you need to remember: When considering whether to say yes or no, you must choose the response that feels like freedom. Period.”

I’d love to celebrate your self-love, self-care steps with you; your freedom! Please comment, below, or contact me directly. Let me know if you ate the quiche!!

xo Deena