Could you be at your worst & don’t even know it?

You may be thinking..

Hey.. I’ve survived so far. It’s not that bad..
I can probably keep pushing through.
I don’t want anyone to know I’m struggling.
People will judge me & think I’m not capable/strong or have my shit together.

BUT WAIT!!!
Stop. Right. There.
This is SO SUPER IMPORTANT.
You may be in survival mode & don’t even know it.
The #1 thing you need to do is find out if you are.
Do this with me. Please. It just takes a few minutes & could CHANGE YOUR LIFE. 

First - Take a slow, deep breath.
Drop your shoulders. 

Now, read these questions.
No bull-shitting yourself.
Be honest.
Nobody will know what you’re thinking. 

Ready?
Here goes:

Have you hit a wall?
Are you exhausted – mentally, physically?
Have you reached a limit?
Do you know something is terribly wrong?
And you can no longer deny things need to change?

Do you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios?
If you do, this is confirmation that what you’re dealing with is not healthy – whether it’s a new/potential situation, a current situation, or you are healing from a past situation

                YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

                It is not just in your head.

                You deserve to be safe, respected & valued.

Here’s a reality check.
Read through the following quiz. Listen to how your body reacts as you read each question.
WARNING: Your mind may try to downplay what your body is feeling. It will try to convince you to ignore your gut reaction. Don’t fall for that. It’s what has kept you stuck where you are. Read that last part again. Kinda shocking isn’t it? 

Ready to go deeper?
Tune into anything you feel in your body as you read these. Here we go…

- Your instincts are screaming to run, but you feel obligated to stay and try because you are afraid of consequences.

- You are so beaten down and discouraged - hopeless that anything will ever change.

- You feel worthless, ridiculed, isolated, and scared.

- You have given up on yourself, your dreams, and your goals.

- You feel alone and have nobody you can talk to or feel safe sharing what you're going through.

- You don't think anyone will believe you if you told them what you are going through, cuz others think your life is fine.

- You stay for the security that you think it gives to you and your family, your job, (insert your situation).

- You question and doubt your own perception of reality and your interpretation of almost everything.

- You feel stupid, weak, useless, unsuccessful.

- You feel small and unimportant.

- You feel invisible.

- You are afraid to use your voice, to trust your truth, your thoughts, and feelings as being legit or worthy.

- You sacrifice to protect your children.

- You continuously pay a very high cost for peace.

- You hide your thoughts, your dreams, your wishes, your joys, your fears, your questions, your celebrations, your accomplishments for fear of them being ridiculed or criticized.

- You downplay anything about yourself, so you don't get bashed or appear to be competing.

- You are exhausted from being hyper-vigilant, always on alert for the slightest changes and warning signs.

- You are always aware of any trigger potentials - at anytime - from any source.

- You do all you possibly can to mitigate triggers.

- You are afraid to ask for help with anything because it will be interpreted as an imposition, and, once done, as a personal favor to you that needs re-payment, even when it’s something that benefits others.

- You are overwhelmed trying to do it all yourself so that you don't need to ask for anything.

- You're embarrassed, ashamed, mortified, by someone’s behavior around others, but you don't dare say anything about it.

- You are hurt and confused by accusations being aimed at you.

- You discover attempts to destroy relationships that you have with family, friends, colleagues.

- You are sick & tired of negative comments & everyone being criticized.

- You hate hearing all the bragging & being constantly told that nobody else is as good/smart.

- You realize how futile it is to defend anything that is being attacked.

- Your children are despised because they are part of you, and it breaks your heart.

- Your friends quit trying to connect and you discover that they are being preyed on and manipulated in an attempt to isolate you from them.

- Your family is manipulated into thinking you are to blame for pulling away, being edgy, and anti-social.

- Your family is recruited to criticize and blame you for changing, for stresses, for anything gone wrong.

- You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders with no idea how to share the burden, who to trust, who you can rely on, or turn to.

- You feel like you're going crazy, losing your grip on reality.

- You wonder if you are the only one who senses how crazy the situation is.

- You feel like nobody sees you anymore - nobody hears, or cares & you wonder if they sense your pain and are afraid to see or acknowledge it.

- You worry that if you made changes, you could be ostracized, excluded, or forced to leave groups or communities or family.

- You feel so tired of trying, but adrenaline and fear keep you going.

- You are hyper-sensitive to every nuance of verbal and non-verbal exchanges.

- You are reeling from yet another harsh and unexpected attack. You're shocked & hurt & questioning your instincts. You're asking yourself why didn't you see this coming? How could you have avoided it?

- You hyper-analyze, replaying every situation to try and determine patterns & triggers so you can avoid and mitigate them in the future.

- You avoid social situations and gatherings because they are riddled with so many uncontrollable potential triggers that have led to very negative repercussions in the past.

- You were blindsided by another attack on your character, behavior, personality, family, intelligence, reaction.. anything.. and you are trying to rationalize why you deserve this. How your perception of reality could be so vastly different? You must be missing something you think.

- You are overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, confused - spending exorbitant amounts of time & energy trying to figure out and rationalize (what you don't yet see or understand as) irrational behavior.

- You are suppressing so much anger - it's not worth the risk of repercussions by defending or questioning or speaking up or shedding doubt.

- You are confused by compliments and gifts as they don't make sense, when you've been made to feel like you don't deserve them.

- You're told to show off your gifts to others & it feels inauthentic, odd, and awkward, with a dark motive to prove to others that you are well taken care of, loved, and spoiled and have nothing to complain about. It tightens the jaws of the trap.

- You agree with the opinions & perceptions to keep the peace, but wonder how valid they are? You have reassessed and questioned much of it, trying to determine your own personal values & measures and learning how to trust those again.

- You struggle to trust your instincts because you feel you so badly misread and ignored them in the past.

- You constantly are guarded, vigilant, bracing for ‘when’ not ‘if’ a backlash will happen - and you're overwhelmed with relief & gratitude when a situation doesn't result in the expected backlash.

- You are hesitant to trust safety and rely on that being your new norm. The conditioning to expect abuse is so deep and profuse.

- You desperately strive to always be accurate and right so to avoid ridicule or criticism or triggers (more on that in this post).

- You use anger as an immune system.

- You use resentment as a shield, thinking it will protect you from a reoccurrence.

- You find it hard to articulate yourself, to relax, to rest, to let down your guard or use your humor for fear you'll be caught vulnerable.

- You guard against any information or details being known, no matter how seemingly innocent or insignificant, as they can and will be twisted and exploited and used against you.

- You over-give to try to earn value, to feel worth and deserving of holding space in the world.

- You feel the weight of generations within a cycle of abuse.

Holy crap.. that was seriously heavy.
But you did it. That’s the important first step.
I’m so frickin’ proud of you. It’s not easy to dig that deep & be completely honest with yourself.
Thank you for trusting me. 

So, what happened?
How did your body react?
Did you catch your mind interrupting to make excuses?
Are you feeling a little sick to your stomach?
That’s perfectly normal. That’s one of the signs we’re looking for.
Honestly. This might feel like shit, but it’s actually progress. 

You’re thinking – FAAAAAACK… NOW WHAT? Now that we’ve stirred up this crap, when I could just keep living my life the way it is.. now that I can’t ignore the fact that things aren’t good.. NOW THAT I REALIZE I’M IN SURVIVAL MODE.. now what?

NOW, my dear, brave friend, now you get to decide what needs to change & how you are going to make those changes. You have tuned into your instincts, listened to what they have to say and know, deep in your being, that you need to make some life-saving, life-altering choices. Please be gentle with yourself. Be patient & kind. How would you coach your best friend through this? Do that for yourself. You would want the best for her – want that for yourself too. You would want her safe & happy – want that for yourself too. Now, go make it happen. One step at a time. You are worth it. Your future self will thank you.

xo Deena

P.S. If you feel safe to do so, write & journal your answers, revelations, thoughts, & inspiration that came from reading this. It’s incredibly helpful to sit in this & I promise it gets less painful. On the other side of the initial shock there is so much excitement waiting for you as you start to smell & taste the freedom & joy that is yours to claim. I’m rootin’ for you sister! It’s so worth it.