If you’re a perpetual optimist, like me, you’ve likely pissed some people off with your attitude of gratitude and all things rosy..

When you go through life looking for silver linings and your personal superpower is positivity, not everyone appreciates it. At least that’s what I’ve found. Have you ever been accused of being uninformed, unrealistic and naïve? How did that make you feel? Like an idiot? Did you dial back the warm sunshine of your personality and let some shady clouds of doubt cover your light?

I did. For many many years. All because certain people in my inner circle got very annoyed when I didn’t go down the dark path of doom & gloom that they chose to spend their time on. For most of my life, I downplayed and hid what came naturally to me - a positive, enthusiastic optimism. It took a lot of energy to push that down, to zip my lip and hold it in, when I really really wanted to share my hopeful perspective from the bright side of life. But the environment I was in at the time was much safer when I kept it to myself. It’s extremely sad recalling those lost years, that programming that I’m trying to unlearn, the caution I still feel as I hesitate before pointing out a silver lining.

Now, granted, there are those situations when a cheerful demeanor doesn’t apply and is even somewhat inappropriate. We may not be capable of drumming up any positivity in the middle of a crisis anyway. In those times, the best way to heal is to create the space and grace for ourselves, or someone else who’s hurting, a safe place to be heard and accepted.

Even optimists have days that are so frickin’ hard. We struggle to find the good and feel so disoriented as we wallow in whatever bullshit comes up. I think life is hardest of all though for the ones who are always scanning for the negative, imagining & embellishing it to match their level of wariness and prove their FML identity is valid. If I sound a tad bit bitter, keep reading and you’ll understand why.

Let’s take a closer look at the hard days.. We’ve all experienced those difficult days of sadness, grief, and pain when it feels like someone just punched a giant hole in our happy bubble. Hurting, discouraged - deflated, we’re spinning and feeling like we’ve lost control of the life that just moments before had so much to look forward to, so much to be grateful for. And now we’re hit with troubles that threaten to kill the joy and spoil our efforts at trying to be positive.

This is theee hardest time to allow encouragement and optimism to bubble back to the surface, but, these are the times when we need it most.

It can lift you, sometimes reluctantly, from that darkness, where you’re struggling to find a reason to push forward. There’s a strange ominous temptation to give in, curl up and fade into that darkness; it seems easier at the time to just stay there. The effort, the energy required to pull yourself out of that hole is daunting and discouraging. But .. not impossible. You’ve done it before. You know it’s worth it. You’ve tasted the freedom of slipping from its grip. Remember that. Reach for it again. When you’re in that dark place with no desire, energy, or motivation to get out on your own, let others help. If there’s someone offering their optimistic view from their rose-colored glasses, see it as the ticket to freedom they’re sharing, even if it does piss you off at the time.
Even as an optimist, hearing someone else’s optimism can be irritating when you’re deep in your pain. Drop your pride and judgement. Pull on a pair of positive panties. Your soul will remember how natural it felt and you will be back on the road to recovering your equilibrium.

One of the pitfalls of being an optimist in close contact with joy-killers & full-time professional pessimists, is trying to rationalize their irrational behavior in an attempt to align it with the reality we perceive. It pains us to witness them struggle regularly with most everything they encounter. They see threats everywhere. They judge everyone (including their own children) harshly, ruling unfavorably 96% of the time. Even the most minor tasks & activities seem to require a great effort & pose a huge inconvenience. That’s been my experience at least.

Now, if your resident pessimist is an abusive narcissist, like the type of pessimist I spent over 30 years around, then you learn painful lessons that teach you to keep your suggestions & optimistic viewpoint to yourself. Of course, we optimists don’t learn this easily – we’re optimists, which by definition means we remain hopeful and we keep trying.. often, at least in my case, to our own detriment. And apparently I’m not the fastest learner.. I didn’t figure out after the first, second, or 437th time that this was a pattern. I kept trying, in my optimistic way, to convince the persistent pessimistic that all was not as bad as it appeared to them.

Daring to counter those dire, judgmental views meant having to face personal attacks criticizing my character, intelligence, & morals, my family, community.. anything that I valued was a potential target. I learned to carefully filter what I shared so as not to offer any vulnerability. I muted my personality, becoming hyper-vigilant, cautious, and guarded, attempting to be as invisible as possible. I tried extremely hard to be accurate, so when there was a fact to defend (either spoken or not) I could be confident it was correct. This, more often than not, didn’t work out in my favor. As you can likely predict, proving a narcissist wrong is never a good idea.. You’re condemned if you’re wrong and attacked if you’re right.
There’s much much more to this story.

Suffice it to say that the cost of trying to keep the peace was extremely high.

Years after escaping this situation, I’m still discovering the depths of the conditioning and programming that was necessary to survive. I wrote about a recent incident (you can read it in the blog article “Signs it’s Time for a HARD NO”) that tore me wide open, revealing deep wounds that I had buried. From my new-found safety, I’m ready to deal with these now, examine and heal them. And I realized that I’m obligated to share with others what I’ve learned, in order to help other women who are dealing with similar situations. I’m working on a book that tells my story, a story I wish someone had shared with me during those years I felt so alone, trapped, wondering if I was losing my mind. My Insider’s will walk the closest with me on this journey of discovery – we’d love to have you join us! I’ll share the link at the end of this post.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above, my first bit of advice is to ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS.

Don’t ignore red flags.

Don’t discount anything that feels off.

Don’t believe anyone’s assessment of you if it makes you feel small, ashamed, or less than. Never accept that. NEVER. No matter who it comes from. Examine your value of that relationship. If you can’t leave it, if it can’t be avoided, or it’s important to you, then communicating some boundaries* is absolutely necessary. You don't need to put up with that shit. You don't! You deserve to be treated with respect. Here’s a suggestion for one way to get the message across.. it is not subtle, but they’re guaranteed to get the point.. deliver it calmly and moderately and as gently as possible.. take a deep breath, drop your shoulders, look them right in the eyes and say “Fuck Off”. Or for more emphasis, you could say “Fuck Right Off”. If swearing isn’t your thing, feel free to substitute something equally as strong that fits your vocabulary, but I find that this is quite effective. Practice saying it in your head first as you recall an incident. Get comfortable with it. You may need to work your way up to saying it out loud. The added benefit to this exercise is that you begin to not only realize how much their disrespect hurts you, but you will start to feel your power rise up in your chest. You will reach for your old rose-colored glasses with their scratched lenses, dust them off, straighten the arms, and wrap them around your face again – right where they should be. There! Isn’t that better! I bet you recognize your world more clearly now with its lovely tint of optimism, enthusiasm, and hope.

Go forth & feel the freedom of life in all its rosy beauty. You’re a Rockstar baby! Don’t let anyone harsh your mellow!

xo Deena

Here’s the Insider’s link with some FREE gifts from Moi!
*For help with boundaries, I highly recommend listening to Terri Cole’s podcast & getting her book “Boundary Boss”.
Another highly recommended book & a quick read is “You Don’t Owe Anyone” by Carolyn Garnet McGraw