Shock and pain came crashing over me – crushing me.

I was desperately gasping for air, struggling to breathe – doubled over, as if I’d been kicked hard in the chest.

Grief was ripping me open from somewhere deep inside.
There was no breath to release the heart-wrenching sobs that were choking me – my throat tight, my brain terrified, as I stumbled up the stairs to escape what I’d just seen, knowing it couldn’t be left behind. 

I’ll never forget that day.
It marked the beginning of my journey to freedom.

What did I see?
A picture.

Not just any picture. It was one I hadn’t known existed.
I was well aware of the subject matter, but was totally unprepared to have that image so graphically displayed amongst literally thousands of random photos.

When my elderly, world-traveling Aunt passed away, I had taken on the task of sorting through her massive photo collection, the majority of which were from trips she’d taken throughout her life. I could appreciate & admire her adventures, but most of these held no sentiment for us, and she had no children or spouse to leave them to. With due diligence, I was glancing at each one as I sorted through the stacks and albums, unknown to me that one envelope held that fateful image – the one that would be a catalyst for major changes in my life.

As I turned the photo over, my initial reaction was confusion. Within a split second, I realized what this was, what I was seeing in full color, what this scene had meant for our family, what I had not expected to ever have to see, what I had thought was behind me. There, in my hands, was a picture of the accident scene where one of my brothers had died almost 8 years before.

The extremely strong reaction I had to seeing that image shook me to the core. I could not understand or explain why it was so swift and so debilitating. At this point, our family had lost 2 of my 3 brothers. The other had died 17 years before. My brain was telling my body that it had completely overreacted. That with so much time past, I should be well and over it all. But, apparently, I wasn’t.

So, for the first time in my life (despite accusations of what this stigma would communicate to others), I sought help for my mental health. I knew the reaction I’d experienced seeing that photo had been physical, but the trigger was psychological. This couldn’t be ignored. It had been horrible, and I wanted to heal it. I needed professional support to do that.

The therapist I saw for a handful of visits was perfectly suited to me in many ways, including having also lost a younger brother in an accident. As I described my reaction to the picture, she agreed that there was much grief for me to work through but asked what was going on in my life that may have delayed this for so long. That inquiry was the beginning of my discovery that I was living in an abusive situation - the state of hypervigilant survival mode I lived every day was not normal, or healthy, and had left no room to deal with these losses.

I’ve since learned that the narcissistic abuse I was living in, with the crazy-making & other forms of psychological power-over, had me questioning my perception of reality and my own identity. I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I needed to figure that out before I could start dealing with the grief of losing someone else. I had lost myself. I needed to reconnect with who I was. One of the first exercises the therapist had me do was what I want to share with you now. Ten words that will change your life.

She asked me to write out the first 10 words (adjectives) that came to my mind that described me. I wasn’t to spend time thinking about it or go back & make any changes – just write the first 10 words I thought of. Then, I was to request that a few others in my life do the same for me: a family member, a close friend, and a co-worker.

I’ll admit, at first I was afraid to tackle this assignment, already feeling disconnected from myself, it was uncomfortable to think of how to describe myself. Being a bit of an overachiever (& rebel lol), I had every intention of going back & making edits to my list, but I was surprised when I read back through it, that there wasn’t anything I wanted to change. I received the other lists from the requests I’d made and brought all of these, including mine, to the next therapy session.

The therapist read each list out loud, asking if there was anything that resonated with me, and if anything made me uncomfortable or that I didn’t agree with. Interestingly enough, all the lists were practically identical… Only a couple of words from other’s lists needed some closer examination and she suggested I ask them for clarification of what they’d meant. Once I did that, I was further reassured those adjectives genuinely fit me.

I. Can. Not. fully describe here the massive relief that flooded over me to see those lists. The 10 words that changed my life. To have confirmation that I was not lost, but rather I’d lost touch with myself. My core was intact. Others saw it. I could see it now too - if I’d pause & allow myself to notice. Such immense relief! From there, I was able to start a healing process, with more awareness, with compassion for myself, and strength in knowing who I was. This knowledge gave me courage to do the hard parts, to work towards accepting my worth, my authentic self who fits the description of those lists.

If there’s one thing I could tell you about life, my first piece of advice is to “Always Follow Your Instincts”, but next to that, I’d highly recommend – in fact, I challenge you! to do this 10 Words exercise. Do the full-meal deal – ask at least 3 other people to do this for you as well. Offer to do it for them too. Until you’ve experienced it, you won’t understand the power in it. Please trust me on this. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. Teach it to the kids in your life. They can grasp this concept at a fairly young age. The list doesn’t have to be limited to 10 – use less, use more – the important thing is to do it.

And please, please feel free to share with me what happens for you when you do.

Here’s the first word I’m offering to you to get you started – resilient.

“Why?” you ask. Why can I say that about you when I may not even know you personally? Because, my dear strong beautiful friend, because you are here today, reading this, after all you’ve been through, and you’re looking for ways to make your life even better! I admire you so much for that. I appreciate you to infinity for allowing me to be a part of that. You are seen. Now it’s time to see yourself – it’ll be so worth it!

xo Deena

P.S. I just published TWO brand new books FOR YOU ! They’re all about not waiting any longer for what you want most in your life.

>There’s a guidebook AND there’s a > companion journal too!! with an online course in the works.

>You can ‘Make Sh!t Happen’ for you too and I’m always here to help you.
(They’re both available on Amazon — linked above)

Don’t give up on what you want most!
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